I wanted to talk about this one for pretty long time but there were always some other topics coming out that seemed way more important, entertaining and bubbly in general and so the depression topic seemed like coming back into the darkness that I would be facing for … wow, almomst 7 years. The darkness is not really my thing. I prefer to be in a good place and have positive vibes – bubbles, sun, light. So the topic of depression is the opposite of it all, but I would just like to tell you my experience with it and how did I handle the situation. Perhaps some of you is trying to find a solution and is just simply lost…
I was facing family issues when I was a kid – basically lack of affection and parents in my everyday life, even though I would have anything material that I would ask for. I couldn’t fit in the environment in my town as I was always feeling like people who would surround me was pretty shallow and just … stupid. I wanated to get out from this society, see the world and surround myself with people like minded. But there was no way out – I was a teenager with pretty strict mother. I was feeling alone and so started to get into serious romantic relationships when I was 15.
Until the age of 23-24 I developed pretty unhealthy mental behaviors – partying a lot, drinking a lot, getting into toxic relationships as I couldn’t afford to be alone and just spend some time without a partner. This vision was like a shot in the head for me – I could just better suicide.
I was constantly unhappy. I didn’t know what I want in life, I didn’t know how to achieve the inside peace that I would crave so much. I didn’t know how to create a really meaningfull, stable relations with other people because I was so lost and miserable inside. I was always feeling like I would try to give them a lot but they were always leaving.
In addiction to all of it I am pretty sensitive and emotional person and it was so easy to hurt me just by leaving me. I feel a lot and had a tendency to just follow my instincts rather than use my brain.
It all has started when I was a teenager and you might think that it was the reason for my issues – the growing up process. It might have been one of them but it was also the fact that I was completly alone in my home. I had serious issues with my mum, with my stepfather and with my father who was appearing once-twice per month. Those family issues caused me so much stress and so much pain that it left a mark in my mind, that – I assume- was a depression ( I have never been clinically diagnosed. I was just studying psychology and it seemed like this could be it )
I am 26 now and left those issues far behind me, even though never forgot about them.
It wasn’t easy process to heal and it took a lot of work and getting to get the self-consciousness. I just started to be on a good path with my ex-bf, who wasn’t one of those super toxic people. We were really good friends and he was there for me anytime I was needing it. With him I’ve spended an amazing time in my life and I feel like since the relationship started, I was becoming ready to face my problems and deal with them. He pointed my attention to what is important and what do I need to change in order to make myself happy and him happy.
At the end we broke up, but my healing process was keep on going on. I would be reaching to the point, where I finally would feel my utopic peace – the state of mind that 7 years ago would be unreachable.
I went through so much that at this time what I value the most is my inner peace. I just discovered that I need time with people that are important for me and that I don’t want no drama in my life. And, besides all of that, I got to know myself and accepted my flaws. I don’t try to fight with them and don’t try to be perfect. I stopped with the pressure. I became pretty calm and peacefull, but at the same time I am bubbly and pretty lightfull.
I won the huge war with depression.
I did it all without the psychologists, but if you’re wondering if it’s worth to go to the therapy I would say GO ! Therapy will open your eyes way faster and will provide you with the special treatment, so you might be healed within a year.
This term should not be used if you’re just sad or facing some problems at this point of your life. This is a disease and it annoys me how often people use this word as they lack of vocabulary.
So now, you know that there is a light in a tunnel. The way out is there if you look for it.
I’ve been there.